Longing for Lancre: A Discworld Erotica Fan-Fiction

The following piece was presented at Jersey City Writers’ literary event – Steamy Summer Nights: An Erotic FanFiction Reading. Please enjoy.

Look up into a stary night for an eternity and you will never see the Discword: a world that sits upon the backs of 4 giant elephants which themselves ride upon the shell of a massive turtle, The Great A’tuin.

Towering high in the center of the disc’s largest city is The Unseen University, a place where scruffy, young men go to become bearded, old wizards. Peek through a window, and you might just see an orangutan taking a bath with a banana.*  Peek in through the correct window and you would see Archchancellor Ridcully staring through your voyaristic spectre – back to fifty years ago and that fateful summer in Lancre.

He had been chasing an endangered species of pygmy wolf further towards extinction when he burst out of the brush and into a clearing.**  A girl was standing there, bluebells and other wildflowers braided into her long, nearly-white hair.  He could sense her magic and knew at once she was a witch.

She wasn’t pretty.  Her intense eyes, hooked nose and hard features gave her the expression of a hawk looking at easy prey when it wasn’t particularly hungry. She was striking. There was no timidity about her, no delicateness or insecurity.

She stared at him for several seconds, then walked away.  He followed.

Their courtship progressed very slowly; she chose the pace and his patience was eventually rewarded.

His mind jumped ahead to another vivid memory.

He held her in his arms, her intense blue eyes held his attention like cement.

“Do it again.” she said with a smile.

He lifted his hand ceremoniously and snapped his fingers.  They instantly traded places with a confused doe and her fawn that had been resting in a copse of trees a mile away. They tumbled to a stop in the grass, laughing.  He stiffened when he realized he was on top of her.  Flushed, he started to move away, but her hand stopped him.  Astonished, he felt desire take hold of his body, but his mind still whirred.

“What would you do if I were to kiss you right now?”

“I’d suppose you’d have to find out for yourself.” she said cooly.

Unable to read her face or tone, he didn’t dare move.  She made an annoyed sound, grabbed the back of his neck, and yanked him down into a deep kiss.

All thought flew from his mind as he sank further into her heat.  He caressed her face, then timidly began exploring her body, his arousal pressed against her.  She gasped, breaking the kiss, so he moved to her exposed neck, breathing out warm, humid gusts like an animal.  His hands found her breast.  She moaned softly and clutched at the back of his loose shirt.

She raised her thigh so it caressed the side of his leg and his hand quickly slid under her long skirt and onto her skin.  She began squirming rhythmically.  Then just before their lips touched again, he breathed, “I love you.”

She froze. Her cheeks lost their flush and Ridcully removed himself.  He watched in pain and bewilderment as she stood solemnly, fixing her buttons.  Finally, he gathered enough scraps of courage to ask, “What’s wrong?”

She looked at him then declared, “Mustrum Ridcully, you’re a rotten liar.”

He lept to his feet. “I wasn’t lying!”

She gave him a distrustful look.

“I mean it!” he shouted, “I love you, Esmerelda Weatherwax!  And I always will!”

She bore holes through him with her long and silent glare, then finally conceded.  “Alright.  Maybe you ain’t lyin’  Maybe you’re just daft!”  she said sharply with her hands on her hips before gently adding, “…I suppose that’s alright… seeing as I love you, too.”

His face lit up brighter than the setting sun.

“Right, there’s only one thing for it now.” she said.

“Oh?” Ridcully felt his excitement quickly rallying.

She smiled mischievously. “You says you love me. Prove it.” She took off running.

He grinned hungrily and gave chase.


A knock at his door ripped him from his reverie.

“Are you all right Archancelor? Supper began ten minutes ago!”

“I’m not hungry.”***


“Bugger off!”

The sound of footfalls faded away.

Ridcully looked down to the garden where the imported Lancre wildflowers reached for the dying sun.  His heart ached as he muttered, “I still love you, you know…”  A gentle breeze caused the flowers to sway and he knew that somehow, she had heard him.


* This may be the last thing you DO see.  The university librarian greatly values his privacy.

** The pygmy wolf escaped… only to be trampled to death by lemmings stampeding towards a cliff.  They were not known for their luck.

*** A phrase utterly foreign at the university.


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