The following piece was presented at Jersey City Writers’ genre event – Recess: Children Stories for Adults. Please enjoy.
Once upon a time, I was awakened in the wilderness from decades of slumber by a kiss from the recording artist formerly known as Prince.
“Eeew, gross,” I said, and slapped his cheek. “Did I say you could kiss me, let alone stick your tongue down my throat?”
“Oh, but fair maiden,” he replied, “Aren’t you Snow White or Sleeping Beauty or some other damsel in distress awaiting a kiss from the recording artist formerly known as Prince to break a spell that was cast upon you by an Evil Queen jealous of your astounding beauty?”
“That’s some lame and long-winded pick-up line, dude,” I snarled. “I’m not some fairy tale character longing for a kiss, or at least I don’t recall being one. Anyway, even if I was, you’re not my type.”
The recording artist formerly known as Prince who henceforth will be referred to by the acronym, RafKap, sputtered, “I meant no offense, Miss.” He handed me a raspberry beret. “Please, accept this as my apology.”
I heard a twig snap, dropped the beret, spun around and saw a vertically challenged man singing, “Hi, ho! Hi, ho!”
“Excuse me,” I said, “Are you calling me a whore?”
“Hey, you’re awake! But no, I was just singing the off-to-work song us dwarves sing.”
I shook my head, trying to clear what felt like a cloud of fog hovering in it. He sneezed and continued, “I would never call you a whore, although my six bros and I did spend some time discussing what it would be like to carry you over to our hut to enjoy consensual intercourse with you.”
“How gentlemanly of you!” I replied with a touch of sarcasm. “Although I suppose if you asked nicely, I might just want to try out having sex with someone of your stature.”
“But what about me,” Rafkap asked.
I must confess I wanted to twirl my fingers through Rafkap’s Jheri curls, slip him out of his spangled jacket, and unzip his satin trousers. Instead, I grabbed his ruffled shirt and shoved him away. He looked even more adorable lying in the leaf pile that had been my bed before he kissed me awake.
Fortunately, Sneezy’s “a-choo” startled me before I could indulge my fantasy.
“God bless you,” I said on auto-pilot.
Sneezy bent down on one knee and reached for my hand. “Please accept my apology if you took any offense.
I was perplexed to be in the presence of two clueless dudes full of apologies. The conversations with them had kept me distracted from the realization that I had no idea how I had ended up in this creepy forest. I couldn’t remember what I’d been doing before this narcolepsy incident.
I looked down at the pervy little man dabbing at his raw red nose with a handkerchief covered in chartreuse snot. I looked over at Rafkap and saw a partially eaten apple next to his shoulder. Seeing the apple triggered a flashback of a gnarled woman. The last thing I remembered before Rafkap’s kiss was her gift of an apple.
I chastised myself for making a poor lifestyle choice. Hadn’t my mother warned me not to eat apples from strangers before she checked them for razor blades every Halloween? But how could I blame myself for not knowing that I shouldn’t chomp one given to me on the other days of the year? Besides, the proverbial “they” always said that eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Another twig snapped, and I looked up to see a bear stumbling toward us. The bear said–and yes, I know it sounds weird, but the bear did in fact speak–“Are you the girl who’s been sleeping with my son?”
I was caught off guard. “I’m not sure, sir.”
“What kind of woman are you,” the bear asked. “How many guys have you slept with to make it so you don’t even know if one of them is my son?”
I was trying to rummage through my memory, but the neurons where I kept my little black book had been replaced with cotton candy. I caught a whiff of porridge on the bear’s breath as he exhaled. The scent awakened a recollection of burning my tongue on porridge that was too hot, recoiling at a bowl that was too cold, and licking the just right bowl clean. I was even starting to remember a sense of disappointment that I’d run off before I could enjoy my first taste of bestiality by stealing the virginity of the teenage fur-ball who was complaining about me being in his bed.
“Sir,” I begged, “Truly, I mean no offense. It’s just that I’m not feeling quite myself at the moment. In fact, I’m not sure who I am or how I got here. Do any of you know?”
The dwarf sneezed, the bear cleared his throat, and Rafkap picked up the beret. Instead of hearing an answer from any of them, I heard the sound of horse hooves coming toward us. A handsome man sat astride a white unicorn. “Greetings,” he said as he dismounted. “I am Prince Charming. I am on a quest to find the beautiful woman who lost her glass slipper at my ball last night.”
I was dubious about his claim, but he did look like a prince. Plus, I was willing to play along given the poor selection of potential sexual partners I had met so far in the forest. He kneeled down and asked me to try on the shoe. I slipped my foot out of my sneaker and smiled at him.
He didn’t recoil at the sight of my toenail fungus or the sight of my mouth in need of teeth whitening strips. Much to my delight and amazement, the shoe fit! He grabbed my waist to pull me toward him for a kiss that made RafKap’s seem like a peck on the cheek.
I considered slapping him since he hadn’t even bothered to ask my name, but it was such a delicious kiss that I melted willingly into his virile arms. Besides, I still wasn’t sure what my name was nor did I care why I kept waking up in strange places. Maybe all that had come before was to ensure I ended up here in the forest at just this moment for me to fulfill my destiny.
Fireworks exploded in the heavens. The chirps of the birds joined a chorus of angels singing along to the celestial orchestral accompaniment. Rafkap, Sneezy, and the bear cheered that I had been united with my true love. I gazed into Charming’s eyes and thought about the steamy sex I would be having with this chiseled hunk of manhood during our happily-ever-after life.
Alas, no one warned me that my tender kisses on his virile lips would transform him into a frog, but don’t fret. There’s no telling who I’ll meet the next time I wake up.